Dear Rina

Never come with an empty hand to me

Dear Rina,

I wanna say “How are you doing”, but you might not like that “meaningless” question. So, I ‘just’ wish you all luck and happiness always.

Rina, first of all, I wanna say thank you.

Thank you to be one of my best friends.

Thank you that you were there in my darkest time.

Thank you for always coming to cheer me, driving along from Kanazawa to in-the-middle-of-nowhere no matter what time.

You always try to be there when I said I need you.

Listening to all the repetition of “garbage”-boring story.

Forced you to eat my failed cakes and foods.

On the opposite way, sometimes you cook and came to my lab and we have lunch together. You always come with delicious food for me.

I really feel loved for everything you did for me. Make feel like a human again. That time, was the time that I realized that all I need is a friend.

And you give that.  You were there. That means A LOT to me. I owe you much that I’ve never been able to repay. 

I am sorry I couldn’t do anything for you.

Not there when you need. I am too stubborn and selfish and not doing anything for you.

I miss you.
I still wanna be your friend.

But I don’t know if I am still qualified for that.

I am sorry I don’t have enough words to express how much I feel guilty to you. 

How much I still wanna be friend with you.

How much I still wanna talk like we used to do.

But I don’t know if I still deserve that, to be your buddy.

I am scared and really scared that I have done really really bad to you.

I know I must have made a big mistake (or it’s an accumulation of small mistakes) to you.

I didn’t know that I have treated you that bad.

And I eventually am one of those toxic people for you.

When I realised that I cannot contact you again, 

I was thinking to come directly to your house or to your working place to see you. To ask you to tell me what I’ve done and say sorry.

But then I always think that that’s what you want. 

It’s hard but I try to respect your decision.  

So I wait. I keep waiting and considering what to do. 

I really miss you, wanna thankful to you for what you have done for me and sorry for what I have done. But seems that I have to hold myself.

Finally, I tried to reach you again through Sakai san. But seems you were still mad at me at that time. 

I keep thinking about my big fault to you and some things that might make you decide to cut all contact with me.

To be honest, I never thought that I will do so much bad to you that make you do that. But apparently, I did. 

I am really really sorry, Rina. I really don’t want to hurt you. I am sorry I didn’t care much as you care about me. I am sorry I failed to treat you well as you treat me. I am sorry I get along with people whom you don’t like. I am sorry to keep doing something you don’t like or even hate. I am sorry to hurt you so much. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am really sorry. I am sorry, Rina.

I wish I can do something to amend this. But I don’t know how and what to do. 

I wanna ask how can I do to make amends to you and repair our relationship. 

I want you to tell me what can I do for you?

But I don’t want to force you if you really don’t want to and I don’t want to put you in the position that you have to do. I don’t wanna hurt you more.

I wish someday you will forgive and accept me again as your friend.  

You are one of my best friends that really really owe much. You’ve saved my life. You did so much so to me while I did nothing for you, enough to see that I just taken you for granted. So, I am waiting for the time that you will allow me to come to you. 

In my heart, you are still my best friend and I hope at least you can accept me to be your friend again someday. 

-See you-

Cerita di Balik Layar

"Kok nikah sama mualaf? Kenapa ga sama yang dari awal muslim?"

"Kenapa ga nikah aja sama orang Indonesia?"

"Gimana tu nikahnya? Kok orang tua ngijinin?"

"Gimana perasaan orang tua? Anak perempuan satu-satunya, malah orang lain yang menikahkan."

and so on, and so forth. 

Hokkoku-shinbun (Harian Hokkoku), 26 Mei 2020

Tanggal 29 Desember 2019, hari itu hari dimana kami mendapat restu orang tua untuk menikah asalkan lelaki itu menjadi muslim dan mau terus belajar dan berusaha menjadi muslim yang utuh. Sejak hari itu kami pun fokus dengan belajar lagi untuk menjadi muslim yang paling standar (memenuhi rukun Islam). Awalnya kami berpikir akan membutuhkan waktu sekitar satu tahun untuk membuatnya yakin memutuskan masuk Islam. 

Namun, ternyata sejak tanggal 29 Desember 2019 itu kami intens berdikusi tentang Islam dan dia pun di hari yang sama tiba-tiba berinisiatif untuk mulai ikut sholat. Detail mengenai bagaimana kami pertama mengenal hingga akhirnya memutuskan untuk menikah aku tulis di postingan lain dalam bentuk cerita bersambung yang berjudul Cerita dan Tarian. Dalam cerita tersebut, nama disamarkan (meskipun mudah untuk dikenali sih), tapi kejadiannya nyata. Ceritanya pun belum selesai ditulis. Masih bersambung.

Long story short, berawal dari kunjungan ke rumah Pak Matsui dan mbak Hikmah, sebagai sesepuh Ishikawa Muslim Society, pada tanggal 4 Januari 2020,

[Cerita dan Tarian] III - Tiga Pertanyaan

(cerita sebelumnya, [Cerita dan Tarian] II )

Sepekan sebelumnya, dalam perjalan menuju dance class di Kota sebelah, 

"What are looking for in a relationship?" Apa yang kamu cari dari sebuah hubungan? Tanyaku ketika kulihat ada kesempatan. Biasanya kami pergi bertiga, tapi kali ini Sabrina tidak ikut. Dia dan Sabrina adalah kawan akrab semenjak dia pertama datang di kampus kami. Sama-sama penari. Dulu waktu kecil mereka sama-sama ikut kelas balet. Tapi beranjak dewasa Dia lebih fokus pada ballroom dance sedangkan Sabrina lebih senang free style dance. Tapi intinya keduanya suka menari dan akhirnya tergabung dalam sebuah tim Yosakoi, sebuah aliran tarian modern-transional Jepang.

Selain itu, mereka dua juga ikut klub tari di kota sebelah. Biasanya Sabrina yang memimpin dan mengajar tari kecuali kalau berhalangan hadir, Dia yang akan menggantikan Sabrina seperti malam ini. Kadang aku ikut mereka ke klub tari karena bosan dan mati gaya di asrama kampus yang berada di tengah antah berantah.

"Intinya dalam sebuah hubungan, aku ingin kita sama-sama independently dependent," jawabnya setelah sedikit rileks dari konsentrasi menyetir. Sebelum aku sempat menanyakan maksud jawabannya, dia sudah melanjutkan penjelasannya."Jadi aku ingin kita masing-masing tetap memiliki kehidupan sendiri misalnya pekerjaan dan aktivitas tidak harus sama. Pasanganku tetap harus bekerja dan punya kehidupannya sendiri tanpa bergantung sepenuhnya denganku. Misalnya kita harus LDR dulu beberapa bulan, aku tidak masalah. Tapi pada akhirnya kita masing-masing saling membutuhkan satu sama lain dan selalu membutuhkan satu sama lain untuk terus bersama."

Ia berhenti sejenak menunggu reaksiku. Aku hanya mengangguk tanpa mengatakan apapun, membuatnya tak yakin apakah aku paham maksudnya. "Bingung ga? Dalam sebuah hubungan kita harus independently dependent. Paling tidak itu yang kucari. hehee..."

"No. Aku paham maksudmu. Kamu pengen wanita mandiri yang bisa mengurus dirinya sendiri tapi mau menghabiskan sisa hidupnya denganmu. Mau ikut kemana pun kamu pergi. ya kan? Sungguh egois. hahaha...." balasku akhirnya. Dia hanya mamnyunkan bibir mengiyakan. Jujur, aku tidak keberatan dengan itu meskipun terdengar egois. Tapi, siapa manusia di bumi ini yang sesungguhnya tidak egois? okee, mungkin memang ada orang seperti itu. Tapi aku selalu berpikir, manusia pasti punya ego meskipun proposinya berbeda-beda dan menurutku tak banyak orang yang mau mengakuinya meletakkan dalam proporsi yang tepat.